Navigating the customs of a culture different from your own can be daunting, especially during a time of grief. When attending a Chinese funeral, the atmosphere is often heavy with tradition, symbolism, and ancient rituals that have been passed down through generations. For the uninitiated, the fear of accidentally offending the grieving family or inviting bad luck can be stressful.
Chinese funeral customs vary significantly depending on the family’s dialect group, their region of origin, and their religious beliefs—be it Buddhist, Taoist, or Christian. However, despite these variations, the core philosophy remains the same: to show profound respect for the deceased, comfort the living, and ensure a smooth transition for the spirit into the afterlife.
Understanding the “dos and don’ts” is not just about following rules; it is about showing empathy and reverence in a way that aligns with the family’s values. Whether you are a close friend, a business associate, or a distant relative, knowing how to conduct yourself can provide comfort to the bereaved. Here are 12 essential things you need to know when attending a Chinese funeral.
1. The Importance of Somber Attire
In Western cultures, black is the standard color for mourning. While this holds true for Chinese funerals, the rules around color are strictly enforced and carry deep superstitious weight.
When choosing your outfit, conservative and somber colors are mandatory. Black, navy blue, gray, and white are the safest choices. White is traditionally the color of mourning in Chinese culture, particularly for the immediate family, who may wear white burlap or hemp clothing. As a guest, sticking to muted tones allows you to blend in and show respect.
The Absolute Prohibition of Red
There is one golden rule regarding attire: never wear red. In Chinese culture, red is exclusively reserved for celebrations, weddings, and the Lunar New Year. It symbolizes joy, happiness, and good fortune. Wearing red to a funeral is seen as a grave insult, implying that you are celebrating the death. This prohibition often extends to bright pinks, yellows, and other vibrant neon colors. Even if it is a small accessory like a scarf or a tie, avoid red entirely.
2. Offering “Bai Jin” (White Gold)
While Western funerals often involve bringing casseroles or flowers, the primary offering at a Chinese funeral is cash, known as Bai Jin (White Gold) or Pek Kim. This money is given to the family to help cover the often exorbitant costs of the funeral rites.
The money should be placed in a white envelope. If you do not have a specific funeral envelope, a plain white business envelope suffices. Never use a red envelope (Hong Bao), as this is again associated with celebration.
The Rule of Odd Numbers
The amount you give is significant. It must always be an odd number, such as $30, $50, or $100 (where the leading digit is odd, depending on local custom), or a total sum that ends in an odd number.
The superstition behind this is rooted in the concept that “good things come in pairs.” Even numbers are reserved for joyous occasions. Giving an even number at a funeral implies that you wish for the death to happen again or that “bad things will come in pairs.” Therefore, an amount like $30 is acceptable, but $20 or $40 is generally avoided.
3. Floral Tributes and Wreaths
If you wish to send flowers, they are generally acceptable, but the arrangement matters. Funeral wreaths are typically displayed around the funeral hall or the altar.
The flowers used should be white or yellow, such as chrysanthemums, lilies, or roses. These colors represent grief and sincerity. Elaborate wreaths often include banners with couplets: one side stating the name of the deceased and the message of condolence, and the other side stating the name of the sender.
Just like with clothing, you must ensure the florist does not include bright red blooms or festive ribbons. If you are unsure, it is often better to stick to Bai Jin, as it is practical and universally accepted.
4. Entering the Funeral Hall
Upon arriving at the wake—which may be held at a funeral home, a church, or in the void deck of a housing estate—your demeanor should be quiet and respectful. You will usually be greeted by family members.
It is customary to acknowledge the chief mourner first. A simple nod, a handshake, or a squeeze of the arm is appropriate. Avoid loud greetings or boisterous behavior. If the family is kneeling near the altar (common in Taoist traditions), you do not need to kneel with them, but you should approach the altar to pay your respects.
5. The Ritual of Joss Sticks (Incense)
Paying respect to the deceased is the central part of the visit. The method of doing this depends on your religion and the family’s traditions.
For Buddhists and Taoists:
Family members will often hand you a lit joss stick. You should stand in front of the altar, hold the incense with both hands, and bow three times toward the photo of the deceased. You then place the incense in the urn provided. This act signifies offering prayers for the deceased’s soul.
For Christians and Non-Believers:
If your religion prohibits offering incense, or if you are simply uncomfortable with the ritual, it is perfectly acceptable to decline politely. Instead, stand before the altar, observe a few moments of silence to honor the person who has passed, and offer a respectful bow. The family will understand and appreciate your presence regardless of whether you perform the religious rites.
6. Averting Your Gaze During Casket Rituals
There are specific moments during a Chinese funeral, particularly in Taoist rites, when the coffin is being moved or sealed. During these times, you may hear a shout or an instruction for guests to turn around or look away.
Superstition dictates that one should not watch the coffin being closed. It is believed that if you make eye contact with the deceased at that precise moment, or if your shadow falls upon the coffin, your soul could be trapped or you may encounter misfortune.
While this may sound unusual to Western sensibilities, it is crucial to follow the instructions of the priests or funeral directors immediately. Turning your back is not a sign of disrespect; rather, it is a protective measure for the living.
7. Taboo Language and Conversation
What you say at a funeral is just as important as what you wear. While “I’m sorry for your loss” is a standard and safe condolence, there are specific phrases to avoid in Chinese culture.
Don’t Say “Goodbye”
Avoid saying “goodbye” (Zai Jian) to the family or the deceased. The literal translation of the Mandarin phrase for goodbye means “see you again.” In the context of death, this implies you want to see them again in a funeral setting—essentially wishing another death upon the family. Instead, simply say “take care” or leave with a nod.
Don’t Say “Thank You” Too Often
If the family offers you a drink or a snack, avoid saying “thank you” too profusely. In this context, “thank you” can be seen as having good luck or happiness for being at the event, which is inappropriate. A simple acknowledgment is better.
8. Restrictions for Pregnant Women and Children
Chinese funeral customs are very protective of the vulnerable, specifically pregnant women and young children. It is widely believed that the air around a funeral contains heavy yin (dark/cold) energy, which can clash with the delicate spirit of an unborn child or an infant.
If a pregnant woman must attend (for example, if it is a parent who has passed), she might be asked to tie a red cloth or ribbon around her belly to ward off bad spirits. However, for distant relatives or friends, it is generally socially acceptable—and often preferred—for pregnant women and small children to skip the funeral entirely. The family will not take offense; they will view it as a prudent safety measure.
9. The Red Thread and Sweet Candy
Upon leaving the funeral, or sometimes upon arrival, you may be offered a small red thread or a piece of candy. Do not refuse these items; they serve a specific protective purpose.
The red thread is meant to be tied around your finger or kept in your pocket. It symbolizes the protection of “yang” energy (warmth/life) to counteract the “yin” energy of death.
The candy is meant to be eaten before you go home to “sweeten” the bitterness of the sorrow you have witnessed.
Disposal: The most critical part of this ritual is the disposal. You should not bring the red thread or the candy wrapper into your own home. Discard the thread and the wrapper in a public trash can before you enter your house. This signifies leaving the bad luck outside.
10. The Post-Funeral Meal (Longevity Meal)
After the burial or cremation, guests are often invited to a meal. This is not a social mixer, but a ritualistic act to mark the end of the mourning period for the guests.
The food served usually consists of seven courses (seven is a significant number in Chinese death rituals). It is polite to sit and eat a little, even if you are not hungry. However, unlike wedding banquets where taking leftovers home is common, you strictly do not pack food home from a funeral meal. Taking food home is symbolically equivalent to packing up the grief and bad luck and bringing it into your house.
11. Avoiding Conflicts and Clashing Horoscopes
You may occasionally see a sign posted at the entrance of the funeral listing specific Chinese Zodiac signs (e.g., “Those born in the Year of the Monkey or Tiger”).
This indicates that the horoscope of the deceased clashes with those specific signs on that particular day. If your sign is listed, it is believed that your energy is incompatible with the event, and attending could bring bad luck to you or the grieving family. If you see your sign listed, the polite thing to do is to stay outside the main hall or avert your gaze during key rituals.
Furthermore, if you are currently planning a wedding or have had a birth in your immediate family very recently (within the month), it is often customary to not attend the funeral. The “red” (happy) events and “white” (sad) events are seen as clashing energies that cancel each other out, leading to misfortune for both parties.
12. Leaving the Funeral: Don’t Go Straight Home
One of the most widely practiced superstitions involves your journey home. After leaving the wake or the cemetery, you should not go directly to your own house.
The belief is that the spirit of the deceased or wandering spirits from the cemetery might follow you. To “shake them off,” you should stop somewhere else first. This could be a shopping mall, a crowded public place, or a restaurant. The bustle of human activity helps dissipate the yin energy attached to you.
Once you do arrive home, many people wash their clothes immediately and take a shower using water infused with pomelo leaves or Kaffir lime leaves, which are believed to have cleansing properties that wash away bad luck.
FAQs About Chinese Funeral Etiquette
How long does a Chinese funeral last?
Chinese funerals can last anywhere from three to seven days, depending on the family’s financial status and wishes. The body typically lies in state during this time for friends and family to pay respects before the final cremation or burial.
Can I discuss the cause of death?
It is best to follow the family’s lead. If they bring it up, you can listen empathetically. However, probing for details about a tragic or sudden death is considered rude and intrusive. Keep the conversation focused on the positive memories of the deceased.
Do I have to stay for the whole time?
No. Unlike a church service which has a set start and end time, a Chinese wake is often an open house format. You can drop in, pay your respects, stay for 30 to 45 minutes to chat with the family, and then leave.
Showing Heart Over Perfection
While this list of rules may seem extensive and intimidating, it is important to remember the intent behind them. The family is grieving, and they are likely exhausted from the lengthy rituals and emotional toll. They are not scrutinizing your every move for a slip-up.
If you are unsure about what to do, simply ask a family member or the funeral director. “I want to pay my respects, but I am not familiar with the traditions—what is the best way to do so?” is a question that will always be met with appreciation. Ultimately, your presence and your genuine sympathy matter far more than perfecting the rituals. By making the effort to understand these customs, you honor not just the deceased, but the rich cultural heritage they represent.
